Diary Of A Mad White Boner

Kinda done

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 17:02:50 GMT

I think I am more into the myspace thing right now. This hasnt even really been an afterthought as much as something forgotten.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=1923921

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 21:09:01 GMT

How do you say in so little words: dissappointed

How do you convey that message along without seeming insensitive and uncaring?

You cant, you sit there and soak it in till your littel sponge of a psyche fucking explodes. And I am here sitting at work, exploding alone and annoyed and aggrevated and pissed and hungry and a little of everything that is unpleasant about life. Im even in a little pain, and oh yeah, I have to piss really bad.

Headache. check.
cold. check.
warm soda. check.

So right now, I can honestly say that anything that is unpleasant about life, even that my shoes do not feel comfortable... is bothering me.

sleepy. check.
physically exhausted. check.

If I could cry I would. If I could run, I would alreay be there.

But I am stuck, in this chair, waiting for the other boot to fall.

And all I have to wonder is what for?

Family Mother Fucking circus Bitches!

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 02:44:06 GMT

Boo Ya!

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 23:59:50 GMT

OK in short here is the capsule of my life since I last wrote....

Couldnt afford truck, got repoed. Its cool, its 400 a month I am saving now.
Next door neighbor died, Son sold me his 91 Corsica for 500. I own a car. No payments. He also gave me about three sets of golf clubs. Oh yeah, I have started to golf....I love it.

Things with SHelly are great. We just had our 6 month anniversary, and now that things have gotten real, they are still great.

I hate my job and I am looking for another....I can make more money doing something where I am not perm. damaging my hands. I swear I have nerve damage.

Things are good...and I am happy.

And I love sex, still.

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 02:37:48 GMT

Its funny how things work out...

True friends stay, and the pretenders, they all have faded away. I said my sorries, and I meant them... I do make mistakes, and it seems that some people just cant seem to forgive them. I may have been blackened, but thick and thin, its funny to see who sticked to me like the middle school glue.

Things are quite good right now. I miss certain things from before, but I am happier.

New house (my room is three times the size it used to be) in a clean orderly neighborhood where the neighbors actually mow their lawns.

I love my woman, and things are better now than they ever were.

I am less stressed, and actually have a tan. I have lost some weight, and make the same amount of money I did before, with more physical work, but less mental strain. I am going to get a part time job, mostly because I can now... extra money to be able to pay off bills and save for a anniversary cruise will be nice.

"6 years ago you looked happy"

Now, today, I look happy.

I dont regret where life has taken me. There are things you learn about yourself from everyone you meet, and from every decision you make. Not everything bad that happens has to be bad. And there are consequences for every just and unjust thing you do.

My phone has been turned off, because I dont need one right now. I can be reached here, and if anyone truely wanted to find me, they will.

And it doesnt really bother me anymore that some people dont ... because like I said, the pretenders have all faded away...

Goodnight.

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 21:12:40 GMT

All things in life come to an end as some point...it is up to us to see the good and the bad from every decision. Does it make us stronger? Did it show us a weakness? What did we gather from it?

I fired myself today. I could make a case for having sent in my letter of resignation at 10am...But I didnt. I accepted the responsibility, and took my medicine. I loved the job, and maybe I didnt. Not like I thought I did.

Ashley said something awhile back that has been echoing through me today....

"I dont want to be selling Cd's all my life"

And maybe that is why I am not so upset. I am tired as fuck...but not upset.

What I have gotten out of my job:
Friends (Ashley, Dan, Barry)
My girlfriend
The realization that even if you want to leave... sometimes you dont realize it until you do something stupid to cause them to make you leave.

Upset? Far from it.

To you know who:
I have always admired you for speaking up and saying what you felt needed to be said. I had the chance to bury you today and make it a case of he said ... I didnt. That job isnt worth a friendship, and I might have lost some respect today, but I hope you understand that I appreciate everything.

This isnt the end... merely the beginning....

Brian

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 04:49:59 GMT

I cant sleep.

I made a mistake as a friend tonight, and I deserve to pay.

I dont think I will be able to sleep for awhile.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 03:56:19 GMT

Everything but one thing is on its right place.
I love her so much it kills me on a daily basis...

But Im tired, and wanting, and needing... and I dont know where or what else to do.
I made a suggestion, hoping for a better reaction
But got what I expected.

Ive been ill to my stomach for the past week. Not the same thing, but various shit.

I feel like crying right now, because something that is important to me... with understanding is not important to her. I am a saint for understanding and not being a dick about this... but this is the biggest compromise I have ever made in my life...

And I have never been known for being very good at compromises, and I want to tell her this, and I want her to appreciate this, and...

This isnt something that can be scripted.
This isnt something that I can figure out.
This isnt something that could or should be won.
But it would be nice If it would.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 12:03:59 GMT

Long time no update...not that life has been peachy, some days it is. Most its reality.

Lets seee.....

Fathers Day:
No cards, no son, 4 years running and no email wishes from far far away.
No father, no Dad.

A very bad day.

Work is killing me. I havent been so exhausted ever. After today it will 51 hours in 5 days. After this coming Saturday it will be over 70 hours with a day off. I already hate myself right now, I cant imagine the love I will have by the end of the week.

Must go....

Brian

Mon, 23 May 2005 22:04:23 GMT

What good does it do anymore?

Why do I care enough to get upset, and subseqeuntly hurt?

And I still cant spell.

We had an arguement, something pretty heated...
and now a few hours later, its like nothing had happened.

To her.

But she is distant, and cold...

And I am an asshole.
I bought her flowers and a card, and she still ate dinner without me... the dinner I bought for us.
And I am left alone to hate myself for caring again.
Because everytime I care, everytime I love... I am hurt.

And I am ready to die... becuase I want to care and I want to love... and all I need in return is for that to be returned.

That isnt something you can ask for.

I can die now, because I know all that I want in life, is a cloud...

Wed, 18 May 2005 12:29:13 GMT

And I have to wonder if I truely deserve it.

I feel depression starting to eat at me.
There are so many things I can deal with... but the few I cant seem to attack all the time.

Wed, 18 May 2005 12:27:56 GMT

I think I caught my first lie of the new season....

Wed, 18 May 2005 04:32:36 GMT

When you expect something, and it doesnt happen... you are dissappointed.
When you hope for something, and it doesnt happen... you are hurt.

Number 2 knows what I am talking about.

Tue, 17 May 2005 02:28:51 GMT

Im tired... and thats just about it. I worked 9-7 today, and it will be 9-930 tomorrow.
The good news is that Weds and Thursday are easy 9-5's. I am looking forward to, and dredding the trip to NC.

I need new friends, I think most of the ones I have are broken. Not anyone who would be reading this. I love you all.

Off to the frustrations of sleep.

B

Thu, 12 May 2005 11:47:25 GMT

I didnt sleep at all last night.

Between frustrations and aggrevations...

Im so mentally and physically exhausted right now, death would be a welcome relief.

Too bad my next day off is in two weeks.

I didnt eat last night over a fucking 2 dollar bag of cheese. Its hard to explain... but trust me.

I climbed a tree... for the first time since I was a child. I didnt have much luck then, so I didnt really do it much. I needed to get away and be by myself... I needed to cry and I was thinking that maybe being by myself would help... it didnt.

Update: God still hates me.

Thu, 12 May 2005 05:11:45 GMT

I want to be closer than a kiss
To feel things that should be shared...
I dont want to be left to my own
And to be here while you are there...
I understand, at least I think I can
But right now I need more than attention
I need to feel that someone in this world wants me

That someone really can care.

And today has been the worse
Worse than yesterday... and I didnt think that was possible.
And all I want is to be close to you...
and to feel your love.

Wed, 11 May 2005 17:24:05 GMT

The overwhelming feeling that I am being taken advantage of, and taken for granted ruins my thinking...

I wish I could feel different... but I cant.

Maybe I should just accept it... but this is something that comes along with giving.

I just wish for one I could receive... even though I am not used to it.

A very public apology

Wed, 11 May 2005 03:32:34 GMT

I need to apologize properly to Ashley. I let things not relating to our friendship get to me to the point where I released everything on her, and in a very unprofessional manner - worse yet, a very un friend like manner.

Things are not the best in the house right now... and it has been stressing me out something fierce. I have been trying to hold it in... and today something incredibly minor, so minor I couldnt tell you what it was - popped it like a huge bubble. With regret, it was Ashley who took the brunt of me losing my shit.

I apologize. I am so sorry that I did that, as a friend most of all, and as a co worker also.

Im sorry.

Whatever I can do to make it up to you, please let me know.

I just wanted the world to know that I am sorry, and that I am a major butthead.

Sat, 07 May 2005 05:14:06 GMT

Its only cries when I want it to rain...
These things I try to understand, that I cant, that I try...
and I try and try until I want to cry
But I cant.
She took that part of me years ago, that ability to cry when I needed to.
She was the only one I ever cried in front of...
I wish she would return that back to me.
Because, this frustration, this ever enduring ache of a pain in my heart...
Its not going away, and I dont think it will anytime soon.
It kills me to feel again... so much that I wish I couldnt.
Like a few months ago when all I could do was long and pine...
Now... Im longing for something entirely different
But still the same.
And I will try an try and try some more...
maybe tonight I will cry
and cry and cry till I wont be able to cry anymore.

Mon, 02 May 2005 22:09:20 GMT

Im not so sure of what I am anymore. I know what I want to be, and who I should be...

But still... I dont know... I just dont.
Its funny sometimes, it is to me. Not really, but laughing saves off the bouts of crying. And the best way to sum everything up in my life right now....

I dont know.

Sun, 01 May 2005 07:33:21 GMT

Cpmgratulations to Brian...I just ran a mile in the ran and then smoked a cigarette.

Monday starts the 5am runs.

Right now starts the recovery...

Sun, 01 May 2005 04:03:03 GMT

Shhhhhh...
I gots a secret...Ryan Secrets...no.

Dont tell anyone this... maybe your mother, but only as a warning. I almost wrote Warioing. Almost.

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

Peace opus.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 09:20:27 GMT

From 17 to 32, some things, like frustrations, never change.

I think if I would have had a gun last night, I would have shot my balls off. I really do.

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 12:43:31 GMT

Help, Im lost. I supposed to be at Dans house Saturday night for a wild night of hot buttered sex. Well, that is what he is promising me! Anyways...I need directions, in a dire situation because I am hardly one to pass up a night of buttery sex, and I dont know/remember/forgot how to get to his Buttery Sex Pad.

DAMNIT DAN.

'mail me.

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 19:08:48 GMT

Sigh...
I want to kill one person.

Here is a lesson in etiquette.

NEVER EVER put your feet on another desk. So rude. So wrong.